Fear not, for I know He is with me.

I lay awake at night and speculate what tomorrow may hold. In the darkness I pray. I pray for forgiveness. I know that I am not perfect. I understand, that I am already forgiven. Yet, I pray that He forgive me for not believing. In the darkness I feel alone. I cannot see clear for the darkness has engulfed my vision. I pray. I beg. I plea. I lay awake at night and reflect. Reflections of light dance in my thoughts. The good I did. The happiness I brought to others. I often worry more about others happiness and well being instead of my own. It pains me to see others hurt. Pains my heart when I know I am the source of their hurt. Through the doubt sustained by guilt I accept whatever terms I am faced with. Just so long others are happy. I struggle with the darkness and struggle even more in the light. The dark is always haunting me. Calling me back to finish some sort of unfinished business. I have no clue why I am called to the dark. Typically happiness is found in the light. Then again, I am not your typical person. I often ponder if I even know who I am. I know the outward appearance of who I am. I know who I want others to see me as. I attempt in every way possible to take these outward appearances and make them truths of my soul. I know with out any doubt I am mentally healthier than I was several years ago. I know, or least I want to believe, I no longer fear myself. To be quit honest I have become a very talented chameleon. The only time I feel like me is when I am in the dark. When I am alone. Alone, I feel the raw emotions of Sylvia. I hold so much anger, love, passion and creativity. Yet- I contain it all inside my heart. I worry, that I will die from a heavy heart. I have already put dozens of caring folks through their fair share of unnecessary emotional roller coasters. What happens when I no longer want to hide? What happens when I break again? What happens when I can’t keep from cutting again?

God-? I need you. I never feel like you are here. I have faith that you are. I yearn to feel your arms around me. I need to be embraced with your loving and protecting arms. Please help me, stay guided and solid. I know it is because of you that I am able to stay in the light. I know I only accepted you in my life last April. I am still learning. Please don’t let me give up on me.

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New Year, New Begining

As you can tell I didn’t do well, at writing EVERYDAY. I got extremely busy. I often thought of writing. But-you see-what had happened was….I am not a quick type of writer. You may think I am considering all my grammatical errors. However, I am not. It takes a lot for me to write. I believe it is because I have so much I want to say. Several thoughts that I find to be valuable and certainly worth sharing. If I could just sit and write with out a time frame I’d be sitting all day. I do not have the option of doing this therefore, I really must limit what I say. Which is rather bumming and frustrating.

So, quickly…

My daughter had her birthday 🙂 Then Thanksgiving came. Mother and I shared recipes and cooked dinner together. Daddy let me carve the turkey this year. At the end of November, I think, a building in my complex caught fire. 22 families lost EVERYTHING. I felt very compelled almost, obligated to step up and take some type of action. Annnnd, that is exactly what I did. I learned how to be a servant of God. With the help of 2 other individuals we set up a donation site on property. I reached out to my community. We received an abundance of items. It was absolutely amazing to witness the out pour of support. Throughout this tragic event I made several new friends. I became humble. I learned the value of faith. I became more of the person I long to be. During all this I still had class. It was finals week. Despite this exhausting deed of good will I still needed to finish my classes with strength. Surprising I was able to finish the semester with all A’s and one bad ass final painting. Christmas just passed. I must say despite all the worry of finances we had a fantastic Christmas. Christmas this year had a whole new meaning to me. It wasn’t about the amount of gifts, even though they were a nice bonus, it was truly about Jesus. I took the day and reflected. I silenced my thoughts. I talked with God about his amazing son. I prayed to Jesus. I confessed all my worries. I started the process of building a lasting relationship with my Savior. The kind of relationship where He is first. I yearn to dance in all His glory. I have much desire to have solid and trustworthy with Him. I can honestly say, I am on the right path for what, is right for me and my relationship. Now, the new year is here. Last year I made 2 resolutions, quite smoking and lose weight. I certainly succeeded at both.

2013

My resolution list has grown from 2 things to MANY MANY things. Which, I will complete ALL.

The top of my list, set by my pastor:

1. Rejoice–in His name each new morning

2. Dress up–dress for success, dress for Him

3. Shut up–stop gossiping, stop spreading hate

4. Stand up–spread your faith, share His word

5. Look up–some one is worse off than you

6.Reach up–Pray

7. Lift up–be available to those in need

Seven simple tasks. I will personally work on these today, tomorrow and forever.

My personal resolutions aka goals:

Read the Bible.

Lost 20 more pounds.

Please share with me your resolutions or what you are looking forward to in 2013.

God Bless You All and much love.

Birth DAY!

Today is the day that God granted me with the most amazing gift of all, my beautiful daughter. She turned 12 today. I couldn’t be happier with the outcome of my parenting. She is truly a pure blessing. I am so thankful that I was able to find Christ before I lost all emotional connection with my daughter.. Had I not accepted Him in my life, it scares me to think about how our lives would have been. I remember when she would tell me, “Mommy I prayed for you today, I prayed that you would find God.” I am ashamed to admit that it bothered me when she told me this however, at the same time I found comfort in her words. If it wasn’t for the innocence and the faith she had I would have never decided to make the choice to reach out. I would have never taken a moment to look at my characteristic and what they were showing to my daughter. I am internally grateful that my daughter never lost her faith or persistence. Happy Birthday to most remarkleable young lady I have the honor of knowing, Leilah Jimenez! I love you so very much. Thank you for all you have taught me.

Have a fabulous day everyone.

God Bless

Syl*

One more day

Thank Goodness The Election Is OVER! I cannot believe all the animosity I witnessed throughout this Presidential election. I was deeply disappointed by the actions and reactions of so many people. I honestly felt I surrounded myself with higher quality folks. My only “rant” about all of this is, VOTE LOCAL! I feel I am educated enough to understand how the governmental system works. I may not be highly active, or even comprehend all the details, inner and workings of the system but I did pay attention in school and college. Please stop using the excuse of, “my vote doesn’t count…we are a republican state…why vote when it’s already decided…it doesn’t matter the electoral college has the vote.” OMG hush it with that crap. If you want to see change ANYWHERE…it ALWAYS starts small. Okay, enough with that lets move onto ME 🙂

Today wasn’t nearly as stressful as I presumed it would be then again, I didn’t have as much going on as I originally thought. I didn’t have a SGA meeting or a PSI Beta meeting. I attempted to study in the campus library but it was rather noisy. Actually, the entire campus was rather boisterous today. I decided the art lab would probably be my best bet since, many people do not seem to be there while I am. Originally, I wanted to paint but couldn’t. I left both of my canvases in the studio. The figure drawing class, the class after painting, had a nude model today…I couldn’t interrupt. Instead, I started my Biology review! Smart choice, uhn? 🙂 During green club we watched a documentary about vanishing honey bees. I didn’t finish watching the entire show so, I want to see if Netflix has it. I probably shouldn’t watch it, seeing as how, Food Inc. effectively changed my way of thinking about the garbage I consume. I care about the humanity of not only the animals but the employees too of these large food corporations. Nor, do I agree with the GMO’s that a allowed in our food. Therefore, I cannot allow myself to eat the foods I once ate. Trust me I am not perfect at this. It is extremely difficult to eat: fresh, organic, free range, no GMO’s, high in iron, high in antioxidants and not from a box, or a drive through window. However hard it may be, however long it may take to shop, however much I have to budget better…I have control! I am the soul provider of the food that goes into my body. Alright, I need to move away from this subject. If I keep rambling people will start to believe I am throwed off in the head. LoL

Bible study was comforting tonight. Whenever, I am at the church I feel super welcomed and at peace. You know, I am not sure why I call it Bible study. We don’t study the Bible. Wait..we do, sometimes, tonight we discussed the five love languages. The wife and I are determining our personal love language and each others love language. Understanding how to ensure each others love needs are being filled will certainly help maintain our marriage.

We ended our night with weight training. Oh my, I know I will be sore in the morning, During training my arms started to shake and I was getting all kinds of sweaty! It felt great.

I have one more day. Then my baby girl will grow another year older and independent. It’s so hard to believe that I have been a mother for 12 years. Where has the time gone? I would give anything to fall asleep with Leilah, snuggled tightly in her fleece blanket on my chest with my arms holding her tight. *tear*  (for real) I can still smell her lotion, hear her breathing…what an amazing feeling. 🙂 The greatest thing…she told me tonight, that she still needs me and that I need to have no doubt because I have done an awesome job. My baby girl, what a blessing she is.

Good Night.

 God Bless

Syl*

 

Busy Wednesday

Hello and Good Evening!

What a rather lovely day. 🙂 Passed my Psych exam, can I get a “WOOT WOOT”?

I am beginning to believe that this scheduled routine I have set in action just may prove beneficial. I am doing extremely well with my entire day up until bed time. For example, according to my schedule I should be closing my eyes and awaiting Mr. Sandman’s arrival. Obviously, this is not the case. I should be going to sleep though. I have a very busy day tomorrow. Wednesdays seem to be my busiest days. I am actively involved in my school’s Green Club and the Psychology honor’s society. I also attend the SGA, student government association, open meetings. These 3 clubs take place on Wednesdays. I find it very important to engage in campus clubs and organizations . These organizations promote the school, education, independence and freedoms of the student body. In addition, to these functions my daughter and I also go Wednesday night live, dinner and Bible study, at our church. Leaving to head towards Ft. Worth from home during rush hour is always our biggest struggle. This is the time in which my stress and anxiety get heightened. I hate being late to places!!! My daughter on the other hand, strives to be late…EVERYWHERE! Tardiness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am sure she does this to me for her comic relief. She finds great humor in hearing me holler 5 times in a row, “are you ready” while I am the one who is running around trying to remember everything I need to take with me while, she sits on the couch and watches me. Her favorite part…loading up into the car, driving out of the parking lot and hearing me say, “dang-it Bug I forgot….blah” I sure do hope everything goes nice and smooth tomorrow.

I must confess that the last time I ran was sometime last week. It was a good run! I ran 4.5 miles in less than an hour. Again…can I get a “WOOT WOOT”? 🙂 Since this accomplishment I have yet to run again. 😦 I’d like to blame it on the fact that I fell down a few concrete steps on Friday. Sadly, this wouldn’t be very honest of myself…yes, I did fall however, it wasn’t a serious fall. There is no real reason to why I couldn’t run Sunday or Monday except for laziness. I did run tonight though! It wasn’t a 4.5 mile run but it was certainly the hardest 15 mins I’ve had in a long time. Instead of doing an easy jog, I pushed hard. I wanted to make sure I made this run worth something. Now, if I could get myself back on track with core training again. I’ve slacked on all forms of working out. My body can certainly tell when I’ve been neglecting it. I’m sure my mental health can tell, as well. It is simply amazing how great I feel after I push myself beyond my comfort zone. I am always amazed by our bodies. They really do “talk” to us and tell us what we need. We just need to be silent long enough to listen.

OMG- I keep forgetting that my daughter’s, Bug, birthday is this Friday! She is going to 12. Sheesh, I’ve been a mother for 12 years, really? Despite everything I have put Bug through she has turned out to be one heck of a kid. I often forget what a blessing she is. Then she opens her mouth and says some awesome thing and my heart just melts. It makes me most proud when she reiterates how proud she is of me. WoW! Those are words I should be saying to her not vice versa. I cannot wait till my business improves and I am able to provide better for her. I want nothing more than to give her all the things I never had. Then again, I am pretty sure that is most parents dream. Saturday night we are going to my best friend’s house for a Twilight marathon/ slumber party. Even though it’s going to be extremely low key, Bug is stoked!

Eyelids have gotten heavier…guess it’s time to invite Mr. Sandman over.

Good night y’all

God Bless

~Syl*

 

Stupid Time Change

This whole “fall back” time change really got to me today. I felt like my day flew past me and I am still trying to catch up. Or it could be this scheduled routine thing, I decided I need. Yesterday, the wife helped me plan my entire week on my IPod. Time blocks, alarms, (speaking of alarm, it just went off telling me it’s time for bed) Ha! Reinforcing my statement, “I am still trying to catch up”. 

ANY WAY- 

Since, my previous week was so mentally trying, I knew I had to take some sort of time management action. Obviously my skills are lacking. So far, Monday has been all I hoped it would be. My painting instructor, B, totally boosted my painting self esteem today. 🙂 Our first two assignments were of a still life. The first assignment wasn’t too bad, monochromatic geometric shapes. Pretty simple. The second still life was of a Madalyn guitar, burlap cloth, reflective jug, coffee cup painted in burnt sienna, umber and yellow okra. Uhm…let’s just say the once love affair I may have had with burlap has now diminished. Since the burlap disturbance my confidence dwindled. Hooray for the third painting. It’s something that I have created myself. Amazingly enough I have surprised myself with this current painting. I can’t wait to finish it. When I do complete it hopefully, I can find my daughter’s camera and post a picture. B told me he was pleasantly surprised and is anticipating a strong A from me. He also told me, that I am a very structural painter with great discipline. His words really made my day. 🙂 I’d have to say this was the highlight of my day.

I am hopeful that this schedule will work in my favor. Even though it’s already 11:15 and I told myself I need to be asleep by 11:00. I really should be going to sleep… My first class is at 8:00am followed by an exam in my last class. I just have so much I want to write. I guess, I need to get it all out quickly then, uhn?

The wife and I have decided that we deeply want to read the Bible. We have attempted this many times before with no success. I have a internal burning to read it this time. We have agreed that we will read from, Seasons of Reflections, the NIV Bible in 365 days. Just thinking about accomplishing this new desire has brought a smile to my face. It feels so wonderful to learn what God has blessed us with. I am hoping to better understand what make my Savior proud and to read of His own struggles. It’s hard to believe that He was once like us.

I scheduled a hour for working out. Since the wifey got off work late, we enjoy working out together, I used that time to study. I am currently bummed that I didn’t do any sort of workout. I can feel my body tighten like an old rubber band. I am nervous about when the weather turns colder. Will I be dedicated enough to continue go for my jog? When I got the scale this morning I wasn’t happy with the number. Part of me really wants to hid the scale. I feel as though I should be proud of what I have already accomplished and more lenient on myself. It irks me, though….going over my weight watchers point and not working out.

Seriously? It’s already 11:35! Gah.

GOAL for tomorrow: Allow more time to write.

P.S my daughter said the kindest thing tonight, ” a daughter is just a little girl that grows up to be your best friend.” ❤ HER! She has such a way with me.

Goodnight

God Bless

Syl* 

 

 

Hello world!

My very first blog.

WoW!

I am not sure what to expect or even what to delivery. So, let me start with why I have decided to start blogging. Back in January 2011, I started making changes in my life. I quite smoking, started weight watchers, began working out and started going to church. This all took a lot of patience, persistence, trials and tributes. Yet, I succeeded! I have lost a total of 55 pounds, can run an easy 4.5 miles and volunteer several times a month with my church.

Now, let me tell you what prompted these changes. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I have been in and out of hospitals. Been on numerous medication combinations. Been in horrible relationships. Even, battled with self mutilation and self medicating. When I turned 30 I realized I wasn’t getting any younger and my daughter was only growing older, more aware of me and my mental instabilities. Therefore, I knew I had to start making better life decisions. Not only for me but for her as well. I have never liked the idea of being on medication. I started doing my research and found that with diet, exercise, and a lot of support I could live a happy healthy life without medication.

Since all of this I have been honored to find out that my “story”, my life, my accomplishments and dedication has inspired a few people. This blog is intended to my “journal” that I am allowing public viewing and commentary on. I will do my very best to be raw, real, honest and dedicated to maintaining this blog. I plan on posting about my life and whatever else I may see worthy of sharing. I hope you enjoy and I look forward to all your input.

God Bless.

-Syl*