I lay awake at night and speculate what tomorrow may hold. In the darkness I pray. I pray for forgiveness. I know that I am not perfect. I understand, that I am already forgiven. Yet, I pray that He forgive me for not believing. In the darkness I feel alone. I cannot see clear for the darkness has engulfed my vision. I pray. I beg. I plea. I lay awake at night and reflect. Reflections of light dance in my thoughts. The good I did. The happiness I brought to others. I often worry more about others happiness and well being instead of my own. It pains me to see others hurt. Pains my heart when I know I am the source of their hurt. Through the doubt sustained by guilt I accept whatever terms I am faced with. Just so long others are happy. I struggle with the darkness and struggle even more in the light. The dark is always haunting me. Calling me back to finish some sort of unfinished business. I have no clue why I am called to the dark. Typically happiness is found in the light. Then again, I am not your typical person. I often ponder if I even know who I am. I know the outward appearance of who I am. I know who I want others to see me as. I attempt in every way possible to take these outward appearances and make them truths of my soul. I know with out any doubt I am mentally healthier than I was several years ago. I know, or least I want to believe, I no longer fear myself. To be quit honest I have become a very talented chameleon. The only time I feel like me is when I am in the dark. When I am alone. Alone, I feel the raw emotions of Sylvia. I hold so much anger, love, passion and creativity. Yet- I contain it all inside my heart. I worry, that I will die from a heavy heart. I have already put dozens of caring folks through their fair share of unnecessary emotional roller coasters. What happens when I no longer want to hide? What happens when I break again? What happens when I can’t keep from cutting again?
God-? I need you. I never feel like you are here. I have faith that you are. I yearn to feel your arms around me. I need to be embraced with your loving and protecting arms. Please help me, stay guided and solid. I know it is because of you that I am able to stay in the light. I know I only accepted you in my life last April. I am still learning. Please don’t let me give up on me.